the deepest cracks

the night
is the worst.

that's when all the shadows
come out of hiding.

and your alone,
states away
from everyone.

you might as well be
in the remotest cabin
in siberia.

you don't even remember
being this alone,

and with the nearest bar
being ten miles away,
well,
with this state's drinking
laws,
it's just easier
to drink alone.

i have a smoke outside,
and all i can hear are
the deafening sounds
of crickets
and traffic
that is too far away
to see.

i miss the sounds
of a 9 year old laughing,
of nothing but clutter
and chaos
and burnt food
on the stove,
in a tiny two bedroom
apartment.

i miss my family.

and there is nothing but
pictures inside
this camera of all of this,
and i just don't know how
to erase any of it.

on nights like these,
this is when
you notice how
the cracking begins
in your chest,
and swims up
to the highest point
on your brain,
better than any shark.

and then
you realize
where your own hell
lies.