and now less than one month later

i picked up the last
of my things, collected,
and left on the patio.

his car was still there,
and with the curtains closed.
i'm sure he was there,
as you were at work.

i parked next to him.

two years,
three months,
and eighteen days later,
it all comes down to this.

and if it seems
that i don't want to be
here,
it's probably because i don't.

the tears weren't even allowed
to dry after one week,
before he was allowed to
sleep in our bed,
smoke cigarettes on our patio,
into that jesus ashtry we got
in jerome.

and now he pisses in the same toilet
where i once pissed.

and it's not the fact
that i'm still paying half
the rent.

it's not even the idea
that i now possess the bedsheets
that both him and i
slept on, while you were
there.

no.

it's the way
in which you spit me
as the bad guy
when i mention that
i never want to step foot
near
this place,
that was once
my home.

when it's time for clouds

one day
these sounds
and thoughts
that permeate
throughout my brain,
will be nothing but
dissipation behind
the music of
crickets.

when that time
comes,
i want to playing
in the nighttime clouds.

i want to pinch
the moon,
and make it laugh.

i will swim
up there,
between the slits
in the clouds.

at this time
gravity
will only be
a fairytale.

and if your watching
on the ground,
where the crickets
make sense,
just know
that i'll be better off
up there.

1:01 a.m.

The summer was great for Miranda. She had met Tony just before things had ended with her ex. And well, the excitement of sleeping with a 19 year old boy was too irresistable to her.
Tony took the summer job at the Florida Tile Company because his father was one of the people who ran the company, and hey, it put some extra change in his pocket for video games. His first year of college was completed, and he was after all, becoming a man.
Miranda was in charge of Tony. He would help her with all the filing, in the billing department, that hadn't gotten filed in four months. No one had time to do that anymore.
She thought he was cute, with his tall, slim, awkward physique. He was nice to her, and she even caught him checking her out a few times.
It wasn't long before she made the decision that she had to have him. She was in love with the idea that she could get a boy 13 years her junior to become attracted to her.

It had already been one month since Tony had gone back to school. They had talked everyday on the phone, always when she was going home from work, and then at night before she went to bed.
They had visited eachother every other weekend. He came up one weekend and stayed at her place. Then the following time, they had gotten a hotel room near campus, where they just stayed in and ordered room service. It was nice. She missed Tony, and that summer.
It was like clockwork, Tony would always call her at precisely midnight, everynight, Monday thru Sunday. It was now 12:15. Miranda was staring through her cellphone screen, beginning to wonder. With her lips pierced, she texted Tony "hi sweetie, everything ok?" Surely he was just in the middle of a video game, he had just gotten some video game that just came out last night.
She touched her screen to see the time. 12:18, and still no response. Tony always responded right away.
Miranda got off the couch and went into the bathroom to relieve herself. She flushed the toilet and examined her face in the mirror. Still got it for my age, she thought to herself. Not bad, hardly any more wrinkles besides her eyes since she started using that cream.
12:26. still nothing from Tony. She checked her phone just to make sure she didn't miss anything. She didn't, and she expected that.
12:27. goddamnit Tony, she thought to herself.
12:28 she couldn't take it anymore, "where r u??"
She hated herself and Tony at that moment. She loved that Tony had never let her down, and had always called her. She thought and couldn't remember ever having to call him, when he said he'd call her, since they had secretly gotten together. She was still amazed and proud of the fact that nobody had found out about her and Tony, especially with their co-workers. Though she was sure that Tony had probably bragged about his conquest to at least a few of his friends. She didn't mind this. She kind of liked to imagine that his friends would surely be jealous of Tony and his older woman.
12:40. Still nothing from Tony. Miranda was on her 5th cigarette since midnight. Now the thoughts starting creeping in. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. What if he's at a party. He's only 19 and in college, of course he's going to drink. FUUUCK. He's probably talking to a girl right now. My body has nothing on a college girls. FUUUCK.
She called him. Each ring seemed like an eternity to her. Then on the fifth ring his voice mail came up. "TONY", her voice jumped, "Just wondering what's going on. You've never done this before. PLEASE call me when you get this."
Miranda got up off the couch once more, went out to the patio to have another smoke. She exhaled a loud sigh just before she lit up.
She knew her and Tony wouldn't last forever. But still, she enjoyed his company, and felt amazingly younger each and every time she was with him. She figured one day she would just meet someone closer to her age, and begin an adult relationship with whomever this person was.
1:o1. Not a word from Tony yet. She went to the computer and logged into her facebook account. No messages, nothing written on her wall in days. It didn't surprise her. Since she had been together with Tony, she kind of had lost track of the outside world, as was her habit when she was involved with a guy. Still, visions of Tony and another coed kept piercing her brain like freshly made needles. She knew something was up with Tony.
"FUUUCK." This time she screamed. She hoped that didn't wake up her daughter who was sleeping upstairs.

the sinking in mud

out there
in the mud,
where everybody sinks,
i just want you to remember
how my eyes felt as
i held your hand,
promising to never
let go.

the sun was there.
it was always there.
i don't know how you didn't see
it.

and i know you.
i know how beautifully complicated
your insides are,
and i was good with what
i saw.

sometimes people give
everything, including
their burning flesh,
and it's still
never enough.

and here we are
back in the mud.

you sever my hand
at the wrist,
with that hand still in yours.

i handed it to you,
and let it slip.

and at this point
there is nothing left
to do,
but step back
and head towards the mud's
shore, fighting the urge
to look back.

the time it was easy

on
the count of three,
we'll take our sides.

you'll take a lover,
and i'll take my time.

nothing is ever
even.

i'll shoot
and
you've got a shield
made of blinding mirrors.

you'll shoot
and
i'll pretend
i'm wearing
a halo.

the center
of this earth
was once
comprised
of two people.

and now,
if your going to believe
in absolute
concrete foundations,
they don't exist.

we made fragments
out of them
with sledgehammers.

and all we'll ever be
is a trillion tiny
pieces.

the only thing
we can hope for,
is that we're thankful
for this dust.

one piece

there is no skin
to protect us, and
the buzzards
are just pecking
at our meat.

we lie here,
exposed,
in the afternoon
july sun.

shade is only
20 miles away.

i can see his big face,
with his big fat smile
eclipsing the sun.

and this doesn't help,
because i'm here,
and he's there,
and the lines of communication
have been snipped
by a beautiful brain
that cared
just a little too much.

but i'll see you.

i'll see you just as soon
as my flesh is picked
clean,
and my brain is intact
in one peace.

boys and girls

there you were,
off the plane,
and the only thing we had
were footsteps,
everywhere,
from museums
to the grocery store,
all the way to hood river
and back.

we flew
that easy.

then the move,
from me to you,
let's bunker down
and
learn to be a family.

our debts are almost paid
off.

and let's go buy a better bed
and rent a bigger home.

you'll beat me
at our one millionth game
of rummy.
you always do.

in ten years time,
we'll even own our very
own artspace.

we even have a name
for it.

in the meantime,
let's buy cultural figurines
from second hand stores and
give them names.

you'll go to my family
funeral.
i'll go to yours.

and what we have
is always enough.

but now
we both know, enough is
just never enough.

and now,
there is a boy
sleeping in our bed,
probably on the same side
where i once slept.

sitting,
with your body
stretched across
his,
on that same movie couch,
where we posed
for new years pictures.

yes.
some day
that bed,
and that sofa,
and the deck of cards,
even the figurines
that we gave names
will be replaced.

you'll always win
at cards.

and someday
we'll forget that we
even lived
there.